Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
