We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
