just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
