so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
