What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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