My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm passing your future prison.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
