The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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