There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
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