3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
