Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
What drink are we having for lunch?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
