You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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