Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
