i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
