I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
