I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
