My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
