The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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