I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
