she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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