Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
