You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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