Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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