To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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