I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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