If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
