Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
