I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
