I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
