Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am mentally ready for anal.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
