dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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