I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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