When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
