i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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