If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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