that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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