Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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