I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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