If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
