how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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