wrigley field is MILF paradise
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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