They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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