Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
