I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
