I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
