There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize