I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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