At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
