i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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