Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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