I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
