if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
