she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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