I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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