I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
