I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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