I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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