I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
