She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
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I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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