he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
