I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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