Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
