that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.