I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
