I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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