Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
