I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
