Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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